


there is a person by the door.

by sunstainedsheets (less_than_improbable)



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Car Accidents, Codependency, Dark, Death, Drug Addiction, Drugged Sex, Excessive Risk-Taking Behaviour, M/M, Non-Celebrities, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Temporary Amnesia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, zswwlsfyweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29895633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/less_than_improbable/pseuds/sunstainedsheets
Summary: "There is a person by the door," he mumbles and points. The hairs on Xiao Zhan's arm raises at their mere presence. Xuan Lu turns and searches. With a raised brow and pursed lips, she returns to Xiao Zhan."Xiao Zhan, no one's by the door," She huffs as she arranges the haphazardly laid blanket over Xiao Zhan's legs. "Besides, how can you even see beyond a closed door?" A chuckle left her lips.Xiao Zhan doesn't laugh. With an intense concentration on his face, he continues to stare at the door."There is a person by the door," he insists.-----Xiao Zhan is left with amnesia after getting into an accident. With a mysterious entity haunting his room, he tries to make sense of the circumstances around his accident and memories of a certain blue-haired man.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40
Collections: BJYX Horror Fest, ZSWW/LSFY Week 2021





	there is a person by the door.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fireflavoredwhiskey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflavoredwhiskey/gifts), [xiaoyibao (a_storm_of_frustrations)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_storm_of_frustrations/gifts).



> Let me get this out of the way first.
>
>> **Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Only the plot is the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the actors or painter. No copyright infringement is intended.**
> 
> Also, **PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS**. There are themes in this fic that are quite disturbing, so if you are triggered by any of the tags, please click away immediately. Take care of yourself!!!!
> 
> **Incoming long ass note about the creation of this baby:**
> 
> This is actually the third version of this story. I was actually quite surprised when I compared all the drafts in this story because they were all significantly different from one another HAHAH. I started writing the first draft in 2020, left it to brew, tried to revamp it for BJYX Horror Week, and finally, got inspired again while in the shower three weeks ago. It might have taken me quite some time to write, but the finished product is something I’m proud of. 
> 
> Thank you very much to the following people: 1) Cey , for being generous enough to use her free time to beta/vibe check this fic, 2) Guilbert, my normie friend whom I’ve bothered at 1am in the morning just to discuss fall physics, 3) Heather, for expressing interest in this fic even if she isn’t part of the fandom, and 4) ProWritingAid, for trying to edit my grammar even though I’ve ignored most of your suggestions LOL. On that note, all mistakes are mine. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and tell me about them.
> 
> This fic is for Elle (fireflavoredwhiskey) and Chie (xiaoyibao), my main cheerleaders while writing this fic. Elle, I hope this fic inspires you to continue your psychological fic. I know you’ve been wanting to write it for some time now, but because of time and research constraints, you haven’t continued it yet. However, I think you’ll be able to jump that hurdle anyway because you have always been dedicated to the craft. You’re a hard worker. I believe in you.
> 
> Chie, thank you so much for hearing out my bathroom recordings and giving me suggestions on how to approach this fic. Although I haven’t read your latest releases, I have always been a fan of your storytelling. Not pressuring you to write soon! Just wanted to let you know once again that you have a creative voice as a writer, and I have faith in it.
> 
> For song inspirations, I had [****State Lines by Novo Amor](https://open.spotify.com/track/7CoMBpPTwQi2wPT0U0Nr9b?si=wu8YuG_3QkK_WAVz2PWhYg) on repeat while struggling to finish this fic. I just think the overall vibe of the song represents Xiao Zhan. Give it a listen as you read! 
> 
> PHEW, thank you for getting through that long ass note! I hope this fic offers you a “wild ride” just as I had intended it to be.

“ _étreinte_ (hug)” by Safet Zec

\-----

There is a person by the door.

Xiao Zhan looks at the white-painted door with an intense gaze. The door coordinates well with the white walls that show their teeth sometimes, when the doctors drop by. Xuan Lu notices and asks.

"Why are you looking by the door?"

Xiao Zhan glances at Xuan Lu. Nice, sweet Xuan Lu. Xiao Pharmaceuticals' trustworthy secretary and his personal confidant. Yet another person he doesn't remember.

But, that's not important.

"There is a person by the door," he mumbles and points. The hairs on Xiao Zhan's arm raises at their mere presence. Xuan Lu turns and searches. With a raised brow and pursed lips, she returns to Xiao Zhan.

"Xiao Zhan, no one's by the door," She huffs as she arranges the haphazardly laid blanket over Xiao Zhan's legs. "Besides, how can you even see beyond a closed door?" A chuckle left her lips.

Xiao Zhan doesn't laugh. With an intense concentration on his face, he continues to stare at the door.

"There is a person by the door," he insists.

* * *

Moving orbs. Flashes of orange and red. Nothing could be perceived.

A blink. Then another blink. The scene cleared.

There was warmth all around him.

Xiao Zhan’s consciousness came back. The first thing he noticed was the smell of smoke. When his eyes cleared, he saw the flames surrounding him. Next was the broken glass sticking to himself. He was bleeding, he realized, and his legs or spine might be broken. The pain was overwhelming and paralyzing, sending his mind into a state of panic. He was going to be burned alive at this point.

His eyes strayed beside him. He could only make out a few things around him because his throbbing head and smoky surroundings made it difficult to see. The airbag had inflated, but the window in front was already broken. What he saw beyond the window horrified him.

What looked like limbs distorted at an angle that was inhumanely possible. The body’s right leg was hooked onto the left arm, its back facing the body’s chest. A tree branch impaled the body’s chest, leaving a pool of blood underneath it. The head was twisted to the side, so Xiao Zhan could only see something blue in his blurry vision.

_Blue._

His heart threatened to come out of his chest. Gazing down at his hands instead of the body, Xiao Zhan shook in fear. A sharp stabbing pain penetrated his forehead, which spread out to the rest of his head. He _knew_ this person. Dread gnawed at his insides as he recalled.

_No!_ His brain screamed. 

He searched the depths of his mind to find out who this person was, but the mixture of the fumes, pain, and fear rendered him unconscious before he could remember.

* * *

"No one's pressing charges against him," Xuan Lu thinks she's quiet when she talks on the phone, but Xiao Zhan hears her clearly. He closes his eyes again and pretends to sleep.

"The guy who died was proclaimed dead years ago by his family."

"Well **.**.. he had drugs on him, Yubin." Tremors in her throat. "If... If we expose this guy, we're basically exposing Xiao Zhan's drug addiction. The media will prey on him, on us."

Xiao Zhan wasn't aware he had a drug addiction. Somehow, he feels nothing about that revelation. After all, he doesn't even know who he is. The only thing he knows is his name.

And that there is a person by the door.

_Blue._

Xiao Zhan sits up from his bed abruptly, surprising Xuan Lu. The door captures his attention once again. Xuan Lu says rushed goodbyes to the "Yubin" on the other line before ending the call.

"Xiao Zhan, don't scare me like that!" Lukewarm, like a mother. Xiao Zhan imagines gentle hands running through his hair. An echo of a memory. "If you were awake, you should've just said so."

"The person," he mumbles. "They're there again. They woke me up."

Xuan Lu sighs. "I really can't see who you're referring to, Zhanzhan," her shoulders sag. "Are you seeing ghosts suddenly?"

Xiao Zhan shakes his head. "It is a person."

"Are they still there?" Xuan Lu is obliging him. Irritated at being treated like a child, Xiao Zhan curls up his fists tightly and purses his lips.

"Yes, they are. They also started speaking to me."

"Oh, dear." Genuine concern drips from her tone. But how can Xiao Zhan trust her when Xuan Lu can't even _see_?

* * *

The stars that night shone brightly in the sky. Xiao Zhan sat inside a car with someone. In front of his car was a deep abyss of darkness. The car was halfway into the abyss. With a single push of the accelerator, he would fall.

“Zhan ge, get out of the car _now_!”

“This is _my_ car!” Xiao Zhan screamed back. To whom, he didn’t know. Something blurred the person in front of him. He could only make out the bright blue hair glowing against the night sky behind him.

“Fine, then I’m jumping _by myself_ ,” the blue-haired figure moved to open the car door. Xiao Zhan pulled the other’s hand away from the handle.

“ _No_ ,” growled Xiao Zhan. “You are not going anywhere without me.”

“But, I can’t make you _die_ with me!” The figure snatched his hand back from Xiao Zhan. He cupped Xiao Zhan’s face. “You’re too important. Live on, Zhan ge. Leave me here.” A thumb caressed his cheek bones. “You know this is where it ends for me. I’ve chased it all my life, and I finally get to have it _here_.”

“There’s nothing else for me when you leave,” Xiao Zhan almost begged. He held the hands on his cheek. Turning his head to the side, he gave the palm on his cheek a slow kiss. “You’re the only one I can go back to.”

“Go back to drugs,” Barely a whisper. A forehead leaned on his own. “They’ll always be there, Zhan ge. They’ll never fade. Unlike me.” Hot breath on his lips. Xiao Zhan met the figure’s lips and kissed with desperation. He pulled on the other’s lower lip, but the figure pushed him away. 

“Zhan ge, _let me go_.” A last plea. They stare at each other one last time.

Xiao Zhan sighed. “Wherever you go, I’m going with you.” Then he stepped on the accelerator. 

“ _No!_ ” The figure yelped and attempted to pull Xiao Zhan back, but the car had already toppled over the edge and into the abyss below.

* * *

“Zhanzhan!” Xiao Zhan flinches when Xuan Lu suddenly bursts into the room. In her arms is a small red box. “I’ve brought some stuff from the office!” She puts it down beside Xiao Zhan. “I was cleaning up in your office when I found this box on your bookshelf.” She pats his leg. “Don’t worry, I didn’t take a look! It just looked important, so I brought it over. Didn’t know you had a secret girlfriend or boyfriend, huh?” She wiggles her eyebrows. Xiao Zhan doesn’t respond.

“Right,” She whispers under her breath. “You don’t remember. Well, keep it for now! You might remember sooner or later.” Xuan Lu puts her bag down on the visitor’s table and takes out some containers. It’s food she made from home that she shares with Xiao Zhan whenever she visits.

Xiao Zhan looks at the box in his hands. Puts it upside down. Rotates it in his palm. Finally, he opens it and sees a silver ring inside. It is not his, he realizes — the ring is too big for his fingers. Pulling the ring from its holder, Xiao Zhan raises it to eye level. It glints under the sunlight streaming into the room from the window. That is when he notices the inscription in the inner portion of the ring.

_博君一笑 (bojunyixiao)._ Or, _“everything I do is for your smile”._

An encompassing ache spreads in Xiao Zhan’s chest. It creeps into his lungs, making it harder to breathe. He clutches his chest as he heaves. Xuan Lu rushes over to him, but his eyes are locked on the door. 

“They’re… here…” rasps Xiao Zhan. With heavy strikes, Xuan Lu hits Xiao Zhan’s back in an attempt to dislodge whatever’s choking him. Pain blurs his vision, leaving only the person by the door clear to him. He hears the person’s voice whisper in his mind.

_It’s his ring._

* * *

Tonight was a great night for both of them. Xiao Zhan and the figure with blue hair had just eaten a luxurious dinner in a five-star hotel and smoked some opium before riding into the night.

Xiao Zhan had something special planned. They were going to stay in a private inn by the mountains. It had the best view of sunrise in this mountainous area. Then, he was going to give a ring he had especially engraved. With the ring in mind, he reached towards his pants pocket. His eyes widened when he realized that the box wasn’t there at all. Panic trickled at the edge of his consciousness, but with the drugs in his system, it wasn’t consuming as much as it would have been. 

“Zhan ge, can you pull over?” said the figure as he reached out to touch Xiao Zhan’s hand on the wheel. The move threw him off, so they ended up almost running over the short fence just before a cliff. Xiao Zhan stepped on the breaks before they could go any further.

“Don’t scare me like that,” Xiao Zhan chided. However, he gently picked up the figure’s hand and placed it on his lap. He intertwined their fingers. “What is it? Why did you ask me to pull over?”

“Zhan ge, it’s tonight,” The moment Xiao Zhan looked up, a portion of the figure’s face cleared. It revealed a mono lidded eye, half of a slightly high-bridged nose, and the corner of some lips. Excitement gleamed from his eye. “Tonight is the perfect night to die.”

Xiao Zhan froze. He dropped his hold on the figure.

“Zhan ge?” The figure tried to shake him out of his shock. He didn’t respond. “Zhan ge, talk to me.”

Xiao Zhan managed to move his head. “What do you mean tonight’s the perfect night to die?”

The figure dropped back into his seat. “It’s just that. I think I finally want to die tonight.” Without looking at Xiao Zhan, he pouted. “I can already feel your rejection without you saying it.”

Xiao Zhan opened his mouth but closed it once again. He only stared at him.

“Zhan ge, remember how I told you about how I want to die?” The figure gestured towards the window, where the cliff was. “This is how I want to die. I want to _fly_ here.”

“Fly here?” Xiao Zhan parroted back, flabbergasted. 

“It’s the greatest ending to the chase,” The corners of the figure’s mouth lifted. “I’ve been running on the ground for so long — why not take the leap for the prize?” 

“But, why now?” If Xiao Zhan’s voice broke, the figure didn’t mention it. Xiao Zhan curled his hands into fists and bit his lip.

“Why _not_ now?” Dangling a toy in front of a child. That was what Xiao Zhan was reminded of as he watched the figure talk. Present in his eyes was a strange delight, and it terrified Xiao Zhan. “It’s the perfect situation: we’re in the mountains, in front of a steep cliff, and the sky is clear tonight.” The figure held Xiao Zhan’s hands. They pulsed with giddiness. “Zhan ge, I have to die _tonight_.”

Xiao Zhan gulped. His eyes fell to their intertwined fingers. In his mind is a battlefield, a war between his sanity and his obsession. He closed his eyes and breathed in. After a brief moment, he opened them again and gazed into the figure’s eyes, determined. A smile painted itself across his lips.

“If you’re going to die tonight, then I’m dying _with you_.”

* * *

Someone else visits Xiao Zhan today.

His name is Yubin. Xiao Zhan recalls Xuan Lu talking to him on the phone that one time. 

He introduces himself as Xiao Zhan’s personal lawyer and university friend. Apparently, they belonged to the same fraternity. Once again, Xiao Zhan does not remember.

“I’ve been hearing a lot from Lulu, but I still want to ask: how are you?” Yubin sits himself on the plastic chair beside Xiao Zhan’s bed. Xiao Zhan blankly stares at him until he chuckles in response. “I guess you don’t want to talk to me, huh?”

“No,” Xiao Zhan says. “I’m exactly as Xuan Lu described.”

“Lost and apathetic?” When Xiao Zhan makes a face, Yubin just laughs at him. “I’m kidding. Glad you’re doing okay, Xiao Zhan. We were worried about you, you know. Police suddenly called Lulu in the middle of the night because she was your emergency contact.”

Staring again. Yubin nods, sympathetic.

“Of course you don’t remember.” Yubin lowered his gaze. “You don’t remember anything at all, do you?” Xiao Zhan nods at him. Yubin bites his lip. “Then, what new memories have you been making? Surely, they can be fun, even when you’re confined here,” he wiggles his eyebrows. “Any cute nurses? Doctors?”

He shakes his head. Of course not. Not when the nurses and doctors here regard him like some experiment. 

“You sure? There’s really nothing in particular? How do you spend your time here?”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes lock onto the door. Ah. “There’s…” He tries to word it properly. Best be careful when people can react like Xuan Lu did and don’t take him seriously again. “There’s a person. By the door.”

Yubin shifts his gaze to the door. “What, like right now?”

“Yes.” Narrowing his eyes, Xiao Zhan waits for Yubin to say something.

“Huh,” Yubin continues to stare at the door. “Can you tell me what you see? How often are they here? Do they stay here a lot? What do they look like?”

Overwhelmed by the barrage of questions, Xiao Zhan hunches over and hugs his knees. At least he isn’t shut out like last time. He continues to gaze at the door. “They look like nothing and everything at the same time. I always feel them when they come. Sometimes, they’re there just to watch me, sometimes they talk. They’re here every day, even when no one’s visiting.”

Yubin glares at the door for some reason before speaking. “Do they bother you? How do we make them go away?”

Xiao Zhan’s mouth falls open in shock. “You want to… make them go away?”

That’s when Yubin turns back and affixes him with a puzzled stare. “Don’t they bother you? You said they’re always here.”

“Oh, I just thought…” Xiao Zhan shakes his head. “Nothing. I don’t know how to make them go away. But, it’s okay. They’re okay.” _Better than the nurses and doctors here._

“If you say so,” Yubin shrugs. “Let me know when they get too much. We’ll find a way to send them away.”

“Thank you,” Xiao Zhan pulls on Yubin’s sleeve. “For believing me.”

“Xiao Zhan, I trust you. I know you’re not making things up,” Yubin shifts so that he is now holding Xiao Zhan’s hand. “Just let me know when you need help.”

“Okay.”

“So, what do they say to you?” Do they say some mean things?”

Xiao Zhan shakes his head. “They tell me things I don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“Words that I don’t understand,” Xiao Zhan scrunches his nose. “Like, blue. Or, ‘it’s his ring’. I don’t know what that’s about. But, I see things, I feel things after they talk.” He points to his temple, then to his heart. “It hurts here and here when that happens.”

Yubin hums in thought. “Could it be that this person may be helping you remember things from your past?”

Xiao Zhan considers. “Maybe. But, I think they’re just referring to one person. Everything they say feels like they’re all referring to someone I can’t remember.”

Yubin pats his head. “Okay. Don’t stress yourself too much. Let me know when they start to bother you, okay? We’ll make them go away.”

‘Make them go away’ sounds ominous at this point, but Xiao Zhan nods at him anyway. Yubin stays for a few more minutes to update him on what’s been going on in his company ever since he got into an accident. He excuses himself afterwards because he needs to go back to work. Unbeknownst to Yubin, the hospital halls make it easier for Xiao Zhan to hear what’s going on outside his door. That’s when he overhears Yubin calling Xuan Lu before going to work.

“Lulu,” Yubin tries to be discrete by whispering. “He talks about a person outside his door. Whoever or whatever that person is, he’s helping Xiao Zhan remember things.”

When Yubin leaves, Xiao Zhan relaxes and lies back down on his bed. He looks by the door again and whispers. “Who are you trying to make me remember…?”

* * *

Sunlight streamed into their windows, nudging the pretty figure on his bed gently to awaken. Xiao Zhan stares unabashedly at the painting in front of him: the stark contrast of the bright blue hair against the sheets, the _finally_ clear face he had wished to see, the slim stature that traverses the line between malnourished and extremely thin, and the glowing skin tickled by the sun. Like this, the blue-haired man was ethereal, a god caught at a glimpse of a moment by wet acrylic and canvas. He gulped and struggled to put his tie on.  
  


The man giggled. “You’re staring at the wrong thing too much.” He got up from the bed slowly and stretched out his limbs one by one. He rolled his right shoulder backward as he approached. “I’ll help, I’ll help.” Reaching for his tie, the figure looped it around his neck and started tying it. “Zhan ge, I’ve thought about it.”

“Hmm?” Xiao Zhan hummed, still blissed out. 

“I think I want to die by flying.” Finishing the Windsor knot, the blue-haired man brushed over his shoulders to straighten his suit. “It’s a nice way to go, isn’t it? You can feel the wind against your face, you feel you belong to the sky, and then you fall to your doom.” The figure sighs fondly. “Ever since I met Zhan ge, I’ve been getting so much inspiration. It’s also strange how I notice now the passage time.” He leaned his forehead on the other’s and whispers. “It feels like I’m running out of time with you. I should spend more time here so that I get to savor you.”

“Make sure not to die without me because I’ll miss you and I can’t live without you,” Xiao Zhan dropped a kiss on the other’s lips. “Remember to free up your Friday, okay?”

The man hummed. “Did you prepare something grand again? I told you to stop.” 

“Just this once, please?” Pouting, Xiao Zhan chased the man’s lips. “I feel happy when you’re spoiled and happy.”

The other rolled his eyes. “Or, you just want more from my personal stash. Anyway,” He pushed Xiao Zhan towards the door. “Go and be a busy man. Come back to me later.”

“You’re not going to do your ‘drug dealer responsibilities’?” 

“Day off today. The customer moved our schedule.” Putting his hands on his hips, he gave Xiao Zhan a wave. “Now, go be a CEO. I’ll be here when you’re done.”

Xiao Zhan tipped his head, a fond look misting his eyes. “I’ll come home to you later.”

* * *

Parents. In his mind, Xiao Zhan is aware of what parents do — foster and care for a child. But, seeing them stand before him now, he wonders if what his instinct supplied is correct. 

His father looks at him with disappointment. His arms are crossed, and wrinkles litter his forehead. “How embarrassing to have been caught in an accident. It just shows the public how irresponsible you are.”

Xiao Zhan merely stares at him. He does not feel for this man at all. His words sound so foreign to him. 

Beside his father was his stepmother, who looked bored out of her wits. “And, we’re even putting company funds on the line to supply for his hospital bills.” She scoffs. “The fucking nerve. You’re so selfish, Xiao Zhan. You always cost us more than we get from you. Where’s your sense of filial piety? I bet our elders are disappointed in you as well.”

“Ru Shi.” A warning. His stepmother only huffs.

“I told you, laogong. We should’ve made Xiao Guo inherit the company instead. Xiao Zhan is just too unreliable. Remember that stint he did in college? Failing all his classes just because he was so _in love_ with this druggie who could fuck him _five ways_ to Sunday. He even said nonsensical things like he wouldn’t be alive without that druggie— ”

“ _Silence!_ ” His father shouts. His stepmother jumps a little, stepping back and maintaining an indifferent look on her face to not let her shock show. “Don’t add to my anger, woman.”

Xiao Zhan tilts his head to the side a little as he furrows his eyebrows. Echos of the past ring in his ears, yet nothing comes to mind when he thinks about them. Amnesia can be quite a frustrating thing, but seeing the looks on his parents’ faces, maybe amnesia is a _blessing_ , too, after all.

The deafening silence is awkward. Xiao Zhan scratches his hands, his arms, anything, just to have something to do. With every scratch, his skin glows red. 

“Xiao Zhan, go do your job as CEO,” Pinching his nose, Xiao Zhan’s father finally talks to him calmly. “The company is losing so much just because you’re not there to handle things. It’s your fault if we lose our investors.”

Xiao Zhan can only stare at him blankly. It sets off his father, who rushes out of the room in fury. His stepmother sneers at him. “We shouldn’t have adopted you again after your mother died. You’re just like her.” She walks out to follow her husband as well. 

Stretching his limbs out, Xiao Zhan falls back on his bed and stares at the ceiling. On his face is an apparent fatigue over what transpired earlier. Many things stir in his chest, but the one he shows on his face is confusion. 

Something tugs on his consciousness. Xiao Zhan’s eyes snap to the door. He sighs. “He was home for me, right? Not those… _people_ ,” he dares not to call them parents. “He was the only one.”

Xiao Zhan can almost feel the nod that the person does.

“Then, who is he? And…” A little fearful this time. “What happened to him?”

The person does not answer. Instead, they leave Xiao Zhan to his thoughts.

“See, you remind me of him and yet you don’t even tell me where he is.” Xiao Zhan mutters.

* * *

Tonight’s venue was a bar near the suburban neighborhoods. Notorious for being a “police-protected drug den”, the outer design looked inconspicuous enough to be an average coffee shop. Maybe that was why drug dealers and their customers flock here; the overall vibe was cozy and warm, safe for those who wish to hide away from the harsh world.

Xiao Zhan was with the blue-haired man and his friends. They cast suspicious glances, keeping to themselves and talking to the man only. Only Zhou Yixuan offered him an affable smile. It didn’t help that the man, his boyfriend, was not in a good mood tonight. 

Letting the thrum of the music wash over him, Xiao Zhan smoked the rest of his weed. It was the usual combo tonight — great for grounding someone as out of place as him. He stayed standing against the wall by the back of the club while the blue-haired man and his friends sat a short distance from him..

Xiao Zhan watched his boyfriend. His friends were talking to him in hushed tones, and the grimace on his face just kept getting deeper. Soon, he escaped them and stormed out of the bar. Xiao Zhan pushed himself off the wall to follow him, but he was interrupted by a hand on his shoulder.

It was Zhou Yixuan. “Xiao Zhan, come with me. We need to talk to you.”

Whatever Xiao Zhan was about to say in defiance left his lips when he saw the grave expression on Yixuan’s face. As he followed him to the table, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but notice the same expression mirrored on everyone’s face.

“Ah, Xiao-laoshi,”Sungjoo got off his seat and offered it. “Take a seat. You’ll be needing it.”

Xiao Zhan let himself be sat down. No one talked at first. Wenhan’s glare on him did not go unnoticed. He shrugged it off. Wenhan had never liked him anyway.

“Xiao-laoshi, has he mentioned anything to you about his... _tendencies_?” Yixuan spoke with apprehension. Immediately, Xiao Zhan knew they were talking about his boyfriend.

“What tendencies?”

“Well,” Sungjoo bit his lip. He did not look at Xiao Zhan. “He… has a long history of harming himself for fun. And, when we say ‘harming’...”

Wenhan rolled his eyes. “He tries to kill himself. Cutting his wrists, strangling himself, inducing an overdose, you name it.”

This did not come as a surprise to Xiao Zhan. After all, his boyfriend admitted it himself, even before they got together. So, he nodded at them. “He told me.”

“And, why are you _allowing_ him to do that?!” Xiao Zhan flinched at Wenhan’s accusatory tone. He had flashbacks to when his father would yell at him as he beat him in his childhood. “One day, he’s going to go overboard and actually _die_!”

“Wenhan hyung,” Seungyoun held Wenhan’s shoulder firmly, stopping him from standing. “Don’t cause a ruckus. Besides, this isn’t actually all of Xiao-laoshi’s fault.” His eyes met Xiao Zhan’s. “Xiao-laoshi, while we don’t want to intrude on your relationship with him, he’s going to dangerous places and we worry.” He took a swig from the mug of beer in front of him before continuing. “We’re all kinds of fucked up, Xiao-laoshi, and his kind is dangerous to himself. We’re just concerned.”

“Look at it this way, Xiao Zhan,” Yixuan gently took the conversation in his hands. “He is like an asteroid, always running to the next best thing, chasing highs and pleasure like with his tunnel vision. And, if you don’t remind him of things outside the chase, he’ll crash and burn in flames quickly before you even realize it.” 

“He almost got himself killed once,” Regret dripped from Wenhan’s voice. “When he locked himself inside his room and slit his wrists. We almost didn’t get there in time. So, please, if you can do something about it, then _do_ something about it.”

Xiao Zhan opened his mouth to say something but closed it once again. He did not know how to react. Upon seeing this, Yixuan sighed.

“Sorry if this is too much for you to handle,” Yixuan patted his back. “We were just alarmed when we saw fresh lines on his wrist again.”

“ _Zhan ge_!” Murderous and angry, his boyfriend shouted as he went back to the table and grabbed Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan was forced to stand up. After glaring at his friends, his boyfriend dragged him from the table to the exit of the bar. He kept pulling him until they were in a dark alleyway, nothing but a single lamp post illuminating this section of the street. Once he knew they were out of ear’s reach, he let go of Xiao Zhan and dropped to a low squat beside him.

“Did they tell you?” His voice was wobbly. Xiao Zhan’s hands lifted to pat his head, but he stopped himself. 

“Yes,” was the only thing Xiao Zhan could answer.

“And, are you going to follow them? Are you going to tell me off, too?” Accusatory.

Xiao Zhan stayed silent as he flexed his hands, trying to decide Inside his mind, his personal values battled with his need to not become a threat to his boyfriend. He didn’t want him to leave him if he preaches to him like his friends. Xiao Zhan’s hand shook at the thought of breaking up with the blue-haired man.

In the end, his desperation won.

Xiao Zhan dropped beside him and spoke gently. “Do you want to show me?” He knew he was assessing him. He could feel his gaze on him. The other sighed and pulled his sleeve to reveal the lines. 

“Contrary to what they believe, I did not _try_ to die today.” He grumbled as Xiao Zhan admired his handiwork. Morbid, and yet he couldn’t help himself. The lines varied in thickness, and there was a certain precision to how they were aligned. It was apparent that they were deliberately made. Xiao Zhan saw the deep cut which he suspected to be the cause of last time’s emergency. “I just wanted to see if this was how I wanted to die. So, I did it again.” He shrugged. “It didn’t feel right, dying this way, so I stopped. The cut isn’t even that deep this time.”

“I believe you,” because Xiao Zhan did. “And, I understand. You told me before why you want to die.” The words felt foreign on his lips. Wrong. It was the desperation talking. “Iwill not stand in your way if that’s really what you want.”

Shine on his boyfriend’s eyes. “Thank you. Sometimes, I feel you’re the only one I can trust.” He pulled Xiao Zhan close and hugged him tightly.

Xiao Zhan’s heart preened at the praise while his mind blared with red lights and warning signs. Ugh. He should’ve brought the joint he was smoking earlier. He left it on the table with the others.He needed his mind to _shut up right now_. 

Because this was right. This was what he should do, what he needed to say, if he didn’t want to lose him. Xiao Zhan laid still in his boyfriend’s arms, conflict and turmoil still evident in his eyes. Thank god he wasn’t looking at his face.

* * *

Yubin is here again today. He is informing Xiao Zhan of what’s happening to his case. 

“First, you don’t remember anything. Second, no one has come up to file a case against you. Weird, because I’d figure your companion had at least some friends. And, third, there are no clues pointing to a possible third party.” Yubin crosses his legs as he speaks. “There is other evidence, but the police are ruling out any possibility of anything being orchestrated. They’ve declared this as a simple accident, so they’ll stop investigations soon.” 

“Is that a good thing?” 

Yubin nods.

“Once you’re well enough to function again despite your memory loss, you’ll be able to go back to the company with no issues.” Yubin puts his hands together. “You’ll be able to escape this white hellhole soon.”

Xiao Zhan chuckles. “I don’t know about calling it a ‘hellhole’. I don’t really have a point of reference.”

“Right,” Yubin grins as he scoots his chair closer to Xiao Zhan’s bed. “You’re looking well now, by the way. Talking more, too.”

Shooting Yubin with a puzzled look, Xiao Zhan repeats. “Is that a good thing?”

“Of course,” Yubin reaches out to pat Xiao Zhan’s hand. “Lulu and I have been worried about you. We just want you to live comfortably, y’know? We know how hard it is for you, even before the accident.” His words come from a place of sincerity. The genuineness is awkward for Xiao Zhan, not being used to handling heavy emotions like this since all he interacted with all day was a bare semblance of a human, but he lets it settle at the back of his mind. Maybe someday he can grow comfortable with it.

“Anyway,” Standing from the chair, Yubin walks to the table to fill up two paper cups with water. He goes back to his seat and offers the other cup to Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan takes it gratefully from him. “Do you remember anything from the accident? Clues or memories that haunt you? What about your companion?” 

“It’s still not clear to me,” Xiao Zhan sips from his cup. “All I can remember is blue and fire. There was so much fire. Suffocating fire. That’s it.” 

“Hmm, “ Yubin touches his chin, deep in thought. “Your companion had blue hair. Maybe that’s why you remember blue?”

Xiao Zhan drops the cup onto his lap, causing him to be soaked. His heart is racing and a piercing headache makes itself known to him. His hands shake, and he starts to sweat. “Y-Yubin,” he whispers. Yubin grabs the cup from his hand and sets it down on the table. He takes Xiao Zhan’s hands and pulls him so that he can directly look at his face. “Focus on me. Look at my eyes. Let’s count from one to ten. Breathe with each count, okay?” Xiao Zhan nods. “Okay. One,” Breathe in, breathe out. “Two.” Breathe in, breathe out. “Three.”

They continue like that until Xiao Zhan’s heart gradually slows and his mind, although still in pain, stops reeling. He vaguely hears Yubin tell him he’ll just get a nurse to help him before leaving him to his own devices. 

Xiao Zhan doesn’t know why it happened. They were only discussing his companion when —

_Oh._

Xiao Zhan looks up at the door. _Is it him?_ He tries to ask them in his mind. _He’s… dead, isn’t he?_

There is no response. 

* * *

A dealer shouldn’t be getting high with his customer. Something about breaking rules on ethics.

Yet, here they were, in Xiao Zhan’s penthouse, ignoring plush red couches to lie down on the carpet floor and soiling the air with lit joints. It was not the first time the blue-haired man came to his house. The penthouse had become home to their Friday sessions. By now, he knew how to get inside without alerting the pesky bodyguards sent by Xiao Zhan’s parents to spy on him or the paparazzi who constantly hound this celebrity-filled complex. 

The man stretched out his arm beside him and turned over the joint he was smoking. “Why do you chase the high, Zhan ge?” Rolling his eyes at him, Xiao Zhan attempted to swipe the joint away from him. “What keeps you coming back to me for more?”

The initial rush they were used to had faded minutes ago, and there is nothing left but a powerful calm in their veins. On any normal day, Xiao Zhan would have been irked by him trying to elicit a reaction out of him. Today, he was _giggling_.

‘’Cause I don’t have anything to go back to,” Xiao Zhan spoke while shielding his face from the bright lights of his room. “Nothing here is _mine_ . My job, this house, my ‘friends’, and even the arm candy I bring to parties — all of them are my parents’. All approved and chosen by them. Now, _this_ ,” He brought the joint to his lips, sucked in his cheeks, and inhaled. Taking the joint out of his mouth, he exhales the smoke he inhaled earlier. “It’s mine. It’s something I can control. It gives me emotions I don’t experience normally, and I can get it anytime I want, stop anytime I want.” Giggles. More and more giggles. “Isn’t life more fun with some weed and cocaine?”

The other shrugged. Or, as much as he could while lying on the floor anyway. “It gets boring after a while, don’t you think, Zhan ge?” He tossed the joint onto the coffee table. “It’s always the same high. Predictable. I want to chase a different type of high, you know?” 

“Then, what type of high are you looking for?” Followed by terrible coughs, scratching Xiao Zhan’s throat raw. 

“Death.” Silence. The blue-haired man cleared his throat. “There is nothing more exciting than chasing the high of death. I’ve tried chasing it before: cutting my skin, making myself bleed more than necessary, entering more drug dens and getting beaten, getting shot, but the novelty wears off after long. I think,” He gulped. “I think it’s time to die to get that final high.”

While blinking slowly, Xiao Zhan attempted to memorize the other’s form on his floor. “But, you can only chase that once. You’ll never come back.”

Rustling of clothes. “That’s the point. I don’t want to come back.” The man whispered, turning to his side and staring at Xiao Zhan’s face. He scooted closer to him, close enough to tap his nose. “The best highs are highs you experience only once.”

Xiao Zhan grabbed the front of his hoodie and crashed their lips together. At first, he lapped and sucked at the man’s lower lip as if it were a flower of ambrosia he needed to coax. He let out a small whine which Xiao Zhan took as an opportunity to push his tongue inside. After a few moments, the other rose to the challenge with renewed hunger, rolling their tongues together and touching places in Xiao Zhan’s mouth that made him moan. His hands wandered towards the hem of his shirt, teasing the skin underneath with his fingers until the younger pulled his hand and placed it against his bare stomach. The man reached downward, gripping his clothed cock, and moved his hand up and down. He grew desperate and pulled Xiao Zhan plush against him as he began to grind against him without letting his lips go. It might be because of the high, but Xiao Zhan doesn’t feel it at first. Then, his senses caved and allowed pleasure to pour in.

“ _Ugh_ ,” groaned Xiao Zhan, breaking the kiss. “You’re so _fucking_ hot.” The other pushed against him some more as he mewled.

“Zhan ge,” He put his hands on Xiao Zhan’s chest. “I think… we need to stop.”

“ _No_ ,” Xiao Zhan snarled. Almost bruising, he pulled the blue-haired man’s hips closer to his and tightened his grip. He widened his eyes as the realization of what he did dawned on him. He started to push him away when the latter pulled on his tie and gave him an aggressive kiss.

“I _want_ this, but I don’t want to fuck _on the carpet_ ,” whispered the man against his lips. He licked his Adam’s apple and sucked lightly. “Bring me to the bedroom, _Zhan ge_.”

* * *

Xiao Zhan flinches when his door suddenly opens. Xuan Lu and Yubin have never been this forceful when they enter his room.

“Oh,” This man is tall, maybe the same height as he was, and tufts of white blonde hair lay on his head. A distant memory tugs at Xiao Zhan’s consciousness at the sight of that hair.

Disheveled and out of breath, he closes the door behind him and approaches Xiao Zhan’s bed. Xiao Zhan unconsciously pulls his legs towards himself. “I was right.”

“Who are you?” Xiao Zhan glares at him as he burrows further into his blanket. “Why are you here?”

The man raises his hands. “I’m not here to fight. I’m just here to get answers.” He thinks Xiao Zhan doesn’t hear his next words. “Although, since the rumors were true, then I don’t think I’ll get anything at all.”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes lock on his hair. He nibbles on his lips, trying to figure out why exactly that hair bothers him.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” The man chuckles bitterly to himself. “I don’t suppose you remember Y—”

Xiao Zhan’s mind pulls up a memory he doesn’t recognize. He is present, with a blur of blue beside him. The same man appears in front of him, along with some blurred faces. Xiao Zhan hears a deep voice, a voice his heart knows and yet his mind doesn’t, speaking—

“Xuan ge.” The name sounds so foreign on his lips. Xiao Zhan tests it first, repeating the name over and over again, feeling the name settle on his tongue. Then, he looks up and stares the white blonde man in the eye. “ _Xuan ge_.”

Xuan ge gasps. He runs beside the bed, which startles Xiao Zhan. “So, you _do_ remember me?”

“I—” Headache again. The pain is a little too much this time, making him groan and grasp his head in an attempt to control it. Xiao Zhan practices what Yubin taught him; he breathes in and out while he counts. Xuan ge makes a fuss about what he can do to help, but Xiao Zhan focuses on calming himself down.

When Xiao Zhan feels the heaviness ease, he lies down on the bed. “Sorry,” he rasps. “I don’t really remember you. I just… There’s this voice, I don’t know who he is, but he spoke and… he said ‘Xuan ge’.” Xiao Zhan turns his head so that he’s facing Xuan ge now. “So, that’s your name?”

“Ah,” Xuan ge sighs, shoulders drooping. “Yes. That’s what he used to call me.” He stares at Xiao Zhan. “You called me that, too, sometimes.” Xuan ge sits himself down on the chair behind him. 

“By ‘he’, you mean… the person I was with when I got into an accident, right?”

Xuan ge nods. “Do you… Do you remember anything about him?”

Xiao Zhan frowns. “All I can remember from the accident is blue and fire. Yubin says he had blue hair, so maybe that’s why I remembered the color. There’s also…” He bites his lip. Xiao Zhan has never told this to anyone but the person by the door. “Bits and pieces. Like earlier. Sometimes, I feel emotions that are distinctly… _him_. But, there’s not much else.” 

Xuan ge leans back on the chair and sighs once again. “Nobody else knows that he’s dead,” He holds his knee and squeezes. “Although, I think they’re going to know soon.” Turning his gaze towards the ceiling, Xuan ge continues to speak, a little quieter this time. “It’s just a little sad, I think.”

“Why?” 

“I knew he was going to crash and burn, and I was right.” With his voice shaking, Xuan ge tries to continue as if there is nothing wrong. “I just didn’t know it would all happen so soon.” He takes a few moments to just stare at the ceiling. Xiao Zhan hears him sniffle. 

“Xiao Zhan,” Xuan ge drops his gaze from the ceiling to him. “I don’t blame you for what happened. I knew what he wanted to do. It’s just a little sad that you don’t remember him.” Another sigh. “Sure, we’re his remaining family, but he… he was happy with you. I’d even go as far as to say he was in love with you.”

“I’m sorry,” The words pour out of him automatically. Xuan ge only shakes his head. This isn’t what Xiao Zhan expected to hear. He already had an inkling that the person he was with during the accident was important to him. Even the person by the door hinted so. It’s the first time he’s talking to someone who knows him, and so he forces himself to speak. “Can you… tell me about him?”

Xuan ge’s eyes grow distant. “We first found him tied up in the bunker of a smashed car. According to him, his parents wanted to get rid of him, so they broke the breaks of their car and put him in the bunker so that he could crash to his death.” Upon seeing the horrified look on Xiao Zhan’s face, Xuan ge laughs. “Miraculously, he was able to get away with only a few scratches and a broken wrist. From then on, he lived with us, learned the business, and started dealing drugs as well.” 

“He… treats everything like a game. When he fixates on something, he does his best until he reaches the end and gets bored. What he likes is the chase, the challenge.” Xuan ge pinches his nose. “It’s gotten him to dangerous situations. That’s why,” he points to Xiao Zhan. “I don’t blame you. I know what he’s capable of.”

Silence ensues as Xiao Zhan attempts to digest the new information. The person he described is alien to him, and yet still so familiar. Glimpses of a smile, of running together, of skin slapping against skin, of warmth, of arms he never knew — they all fly inside Xiao Zhan’s mind as if he were watching life pass by at twice the speed. They swarm around him like pests and mock him with the words, _“remember him, remember him, remember him.”_ However, no matter how much he tries to remember, Xiao Zhan’s mind still blanks. How can he not remember someone he knew so well?

Oblivious to Xiao Zhan’s internal turmoil, Xuan ge scoots closer to the bed. “Back then, he had no direction, just chasing whatever high there was. But, when he met you, it’s like he finally had direction. Towards what, , I don’t know, but this time, he was driven.”

This time, Xuan ge doesn’t look at him. “Y’know, our last conversation was funny. He was telling me all of his plans, and when I asked if he wanted to die with you, he firmly said no. And, I think he did well on his word.” He stops talking after that. Xiao Zhan shuts up as well, not knowing what else to say. The atmosphere grows heavier as the silence continues.

The noise of the chair being pushed back interrupts them. “I have to go now,” Xuan ge says as he stands. He walks towards the door and holds the knob. Before leaving, Xuan ge turns and meets Xiao Zhan’s gaze. “I hope that, someday, you get to remember him. He’d like you to remember him, keep him alive in your memories at least.” With that, he opens the door and leaves Xiao Zhan to his thoughts.

Except, Xiao Zhan isn’t exactly alone. He was _never_ alone.

“ _Who_ is he…?” Xiao Zhan mutters. He doesn’t receive a response again. These days, they’ve been talking less and showing more.

And yet, Xiao Zhan still can’t remember.

* * *

"You're getting greedier," The blue-haired man said as a way of greeting, walking across the room and planting himself on Xiao Zhan's desk. The papers on his desk toppled to the floor. Xiao Zhan merely stared at it and clicked his tongue.

"What's it to you? You're only getting richer with the amount of cocaine I buy." With force, Xiao Zhan started grabbing the misplaced papers. "Get off my desk. You're ruining my work."

"Why don't you play with me today? I'll give you another ten grams for your time," With a playful lilt in his voice, the man hopped off the desk. Xiao Zhan looked up and saw his lifted brow and smirk. "Accompany me to the den, and then we'll get your stash."

At the offer of more drugs, Xiao Zhan jumped. That was why he found himself with him in this dingy apartment complex. Vines crawled on the walls. No proper windows were set up. Bonfires were used because there was no electricity here. Doors were wide open, and people puffing marijuana and snorting cocaine. Everyone in this apartment complex was _high_.

"Hey!" Loud voices startled them from the entrance. Their cheers died down when they saw who exactly was beside him.

"What the _fuck_?" A man with sharp eyes shouted. He looked shorter than the blue-haired man. "Why the fuck did you bring him out of all people?"

"Um," a nervous voice, uncanny of someone as big as this man. He was all muscles. Ironic. "He isn't going to report us to the authorities, right?"

"Fucking chill, assholes," His drug dealer shrugged and rolled his eyes. "He's here for a good time."

" _You_?" Another guy. He was softer-looking than the others. Must be the plump cheeks. However, his voice had the most venom. "Sorry, sir, but you're not on the same side of the industry as us. I think you have the wrong place. There's a pharmacy just ten blocks away from here." The others snickered.

"Guys, guys," His hair was as white as Xiao Zhan's rug in the office. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. If he trusts him, then we trust him, too. Let him have his fill."

"Thanks, Xuan ge. You're always my defender." His drug dealer snaked an arm around this 'Xuan ge' and patted his shoulder.

"Take that back. I practically raised you!" Sharp eyes complained, putting his hands on his hips. Everyone laughs. Xiao Zhan watched them with rapt attention.

"Yeah, yeah. Ge, give me my extra stash." The blue-haired man pushed his open palm out towards 'Xuan ge'. "Need to give this one more of his daily dose."

"Don't be so easy," The one with the plump cheeks snickered. "Make it worth your stash. He must be loaded.” 

"He is," The man raised a brow. "You know him." 'Xuan ge' handed a small black pouch to him. He opened it, pulled out a small plastic filled with white powder, and dangled it in front of Xiao Zhan's face. Xiao Zhan narrowed his eyes at him and took the plastic, tucking it in his suit jacket pocket. “Zhan ge, the loud one is Li Wenhan” — his introduction elicited displeasure from the sharp-eyed man — “the sarcastic guy is Cho Seungyoun” — Seungyoun threw him a peace sign, but his eyes told of his wariness — “big muscle man is Kim Sungjoo, and the peace keeper here is Zhou Yixuan.” Sungjoo flashed him an awkward smile while Yixuan just waved.

Xiao Zhan didn’t know why he was supposed to know these people. All he knew was that he might get drugs from them as well. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Xiao-laoshi,” Sungjoo offered, although there was a lilt of uncertainty in his tone. “You’re welcome to buy from us anytime.”

“Given that you don’t rat us out to the police, Xiao laoshi,” Seungyoun sneered. “Sorry if I’m a bit snarky, sir. It’s just that we really can’t trust you right now.”

“Don’t take away my client, Sungjoo _hyung_ ,” A stress on a foreign word. While Xiao Zhan was curious, his priority was his drugs and getting out of here as soon as possible. Xiao Zhan merely nodded at him to avoid seeming rude. A loud bang disturbed their introductions.

"It's the police!" Someone shouted from the entrance. There was bedlam in the apartment complex after that. People were screaming and scrambling for the doors. Even his dealer’s "friends" ran ahead of them. Xiao Zhan's eyes were drawn to the dancing fire left by the running druggies.

" _Xiao Zhan_!" Xiao Zhan broke out of his reverie and saw him reaching out his hand. On his face was a look of mischief. The surrounding fire cast his shadows on the wall that seemed bigger, more disfigured, more sinister, like a monster hiding behind a blue-haired young man. Xiao Zhan's gaze dropped to his outstretched hand. "C'mon, we'll get busted."

Xiao Zhan glanced at the hand before him. He bit his lip. Behind him, the sirens got louder and louder, closer and closer. He met his gaze once again and took his hand.

"Get me out of here." Xiao Zhan commanded. His voice broke.

He chuckled at him. "Yes, _your highness_." He pulled him forward. They traversed the rest of the dark apartment complex with only their phone flashlights. Xiao Zhan accidentally kicked a piece of burning log to the side, causing a nearby cabinet to burn up. Soon enough, the rest of the items in the room caught fire, and they were forced to leave in the other direction.

At the end of the hallway, they reached a window hole large enough to fit one of them. They jumped out of the window before the flames caught up to them. Without looking back, they ran, hand in hand, into the night.

* * *

There are unknown people in his room.

The only thing Xiao Zhan knows about them is that they're _furious_.

He doesn't have the faintest clue why.

They just stormed into his room like they owned the place and started accusing Xiao Zhan of whatever. Xiao Zhan opens his mouth to try to speak, but their anger stuns him.

"C'mon, _speak up_ !" screams the shortest out of all. He isn't technically short, but he _seems to be_ short. Around his eyes are hints of smudged eyeliner. They make his already sharp eyes haunting. He is being physically restrained by a tall, bulky man. “What the fuck did you do to him?! Why is he dead?! We warned you, we _warned_ you about him and what did _you_ do?! Why is he _dead_?!”

Xiao Zhan touches his temple with his finger.

These people aren’t exactly unknown. His heart beats, _I know them, I know them, I know them_.

He glances towards the door. The person must know _something_. 

Then, a familiar voice is in his head, a voice an octave lower than his, huskier, fuller, and ultimately, more _haunting_.

"Seungyoun,” — with a shaking finger, Xiao Zhan points to the one with hamster-like cheeks — “Wenhan,” — this time, to the one screaming at him earlier — “Sungjoo,” Finally, he points to the muscular man. Their names fall out of his mouth like a waterfall. Xiao Zhan’s mind repeats the reel of vague introductions and a warmth of blue beside him.

“Ha! So, you remember us!” This is...Wenhan. Wenhan screams once again at him. “Amnesia my ass. What a lame excuse.”

"You..." The bulky man — _no_ , Xiao Zhan thinks this is Sungjoo — gasps. He approaches Xiao Zhan's bed like he's walking on eggshells. "Do you remember me? Do you remember us?" With his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, he carefully grasps the bed’s frame. 

"Do you remember _Wang Yibo_?" And, this… This is Seungyoun. He stands from the bench against the wall. He rushes to Xiao Zhan's side, eyes widened. "Do you remember him?"

A sharp intake of breath. Ripples appear when the leaves have fallen into the pond.

Just like that, something _breaks_.

Xiao Zhan glances up to the person by the door and screams.

"What the _heck_?" Wenhan puts his hands to his ears. "Why the hell is he screaming like a banshee?"

"I don't know, but we can't let him scream any longer," Sungjoo remarks, covering his ears as well. "We can't catch the attention of the nurses or else they'll ban us from here."

"Somebody calm him!" Seungyoun shouts as he points to Xiao Zhan.

"I think it's time to go," Sungjoo gathers them towards the door. "We can't have this conversation today, not when he's like this." He turns back to Xiao Zhan. "Xiao laoshi, we'll be back."

They all cast him looks of confusion mixed with irritation while they exit the room. Xiao Zhan does not stop screaming.

The nurses rush into the room. Xiao Zhan lashes out; he pushes away the hands that try to touch him, kick at the doctors who hold his ankles together, and scream himself hoarse. Eyes snap up to glare at the door.

A nurse rushes in with a syringe and injects him with a sedative. Xiao Zhan falls, but not before screaming one last time.

" _Leave me alone!"_

The scream resounds in someone's ears.

* * *

An abandoned warehouse. The only source of light was a single light bulb hung near the doorway. The floor was filled with broken tiles and gravel. It reeked of rusting metal and piss. The epitome of a kidnapping hideout, or even a well-staged murder against one of the top CEOs of the country.

Xiao Zhan's nerves made his hands shake.

Out of the corner of his eye, a figure approached. Tall, but not as tall as Xiao Zhan. Looked lean, but he can't really tell with the clothes. Once in its vicinity, the light reveals a blue mullet, with some of its longer locks swept by the gentle night breeze, soft cheeks, and a sharp jaw. What pinned Xiao Zhan to the spot was his piercing gaze. With one look, he had Xiao Zhan fearing for his life.

"Xiao Zhan?" Deep, but not quite. Enough to reach the bottom of a swimming pool. The figure wore an inquisitive gaze.

"Yes. Who am I speaking to?" Exerting power and masterful control through his voice, Xiao Zhan speaks.

A smirk. "Wang Yibo, at your service." Wang Yibo fished out a small paper bag from his jacket pockets. Xiao Zhan reached out to grab the paper bag from him. "That's 20 grand."

Xiao Zhan got a small roll of bills from his pocket. "Here."

Wang Yibo scoffed. "Don't you find it ironic that the CEO of Xiao Pharmaceuticals has a drug addiction? And, you're even getting your fix from street thugs like us?" A mocking smile plays on his lips. Xiao Zhan glared.

"That is none of your business, Mr. Wang," he sniffed and turned his back on the man. "Goodbye." Xiao Zhan walked back to the direction of his car. He heard a whistle behind him, but he forced himself to tread on and not look back, no matter how attractive that bastard was.

* * *

That night, Xiao Zhan dreams.

He sits on a padded chair on his balcony, naked. Despite the cold midnight breeze gently caressing his skin, he is _sweating_. The reason for that is the man on his lap, a desperate Yibo bouncing up and down and wailing without a care in the world. Something in Xiao Zhan worries about the complaints his neighbors downstairs will file against him, but he doesn’t really care. Fond eyes stare up at the man in front of him and trace each detail to commit it to memory. His hands itch to draw him on paper.

Xiao Zhan surges up and kisses the space between Yibo’s eyebrows. He thrusts up to help his lover reach completion, which makes Yibo clench harder at him. He holds Yibo closer to his chest and moans into his ear. “Yibo,” he whispers in between thrusts. “I love you.” Three simple words he has wanted to say ever since they first began, and yet he only pulls up the courage to say it now. 

“Zhan ge—” Xiao Zhan hits a particular spot that interrupts Yibo and makes him keen in pleasure. “Zhan ge,” Yibo cups Xiao Zhan’s face and looks into his eyes. “Y-you can’t drop that on me now, you just can’t.” When he sees Xiao Zhan’s face drop, Yibo squeezes. “Zhan ge, look at me.” Xiao Zhan obeys. Yibo is pouting now, wincing every now and then when Xiao Zhan thrusts inside him. “ _I_ was supposed to be the first one to say it!” Yibo lifts himself up and drops on Xiao Zhan’s cock forcefully. Xiao Zhan holds his waist to ease his movements, worried that he might hurt himself. “I was going to order some expensive food and fuck you on new sheets with a 3,000 thread count,” Yibo struggles to talk as Xiao Zhan’s thrusts become quicker and more frantic. “I was going to tell you everything I wanted to say.”

Xiao Zhan peppers Yibo’s face with tender kisses. “Tell me now, then.”

Yibo stops moving and just looks into Xiao Zhan’s eyes, searching. Satisfied, he drops a kiss to the corner of Xiao Zhan’s mouth. “It’s funny how you’ve slowly become the constant of every day when there isn’t anything constant in a life of someone like me. I think I can die now with the memories of you being mine.” Yibo smiles. “I love you. When I pass, I hope these memories are proof enough to say that time was once ours.”

With a heart filled to the brim and eyes shining under the moonlight, Xiao Zhan stands and puts Yibo against the balcony railing. He fucks him erratically, reaching deeper into Yibo. Yibo grows louder with each thrust.

“Zhan ge, Zhan ge,” Yibo clings onto him. “I can’t, I’m coming, I’m—”

“Come for me, Yibo.” Xiao Zhan whispers into his ear. Warm liquid spills from Yibo’s cock and onto their stomachs. Xiao Zhan continues to fuck into him until he finds his own release.They kiss some more before Xiao Zhan takes back his lover into the bedroom.

When Xiao Zhan wakes, the tears flowing down his face do not surprise him.

* * *

“Are you the caretaker for Sir Xiao?” One of the nurses in the lobby stops Xuan Lu on her way to Xiao Zhan’s room. When Xuan Lu nods, the nurse visibly relaxes. “Okay. The past few days, no one has been coming over to visit him and we were worried. After he lashed out on his visitors yesterday, he has been crying all day long and refusing to eat. The doctors are considering drugging him just to get his nutrition in.”

“Visitors?” Xuan Lu tries to hide her shock. “Excuse me, do you happen to know them? I don’t think I know anyone else who knows of Xiao Zhan’s situation…”

“We didn’t get their names,” the nurse bows. “We’ll make sure to increase security measures around Sir Xiao.” 

Xuan Lu shakes her head. “Don’t worry, I’ll do it. What is he doing now?”

“We had to sedate him two hours ago. He might still be asleep now.”

“Thank you so much for taking care of him,” Xuan Lu flashes her a sweet smile and rushes to the elevator. Her smile drops when she reaches the elevator. So far, no one has been informed of Xiao Zhan’s accident except for his family and close friends. Not unless the visitors knew who Wang Yibo was…?

Xuan Lu shakes her head. She’ll find out later. Right now, she has to check on Xiao Zhan. She walks out of the elevator and heads straight to Xiao Zhan’s room. The sound of her clacking heels resounds through the hallway. 

When she opens the door to Xiao Zhan’s room, she finds him sitting on the bed with his head and knees tucked to his chest. Murmurs pour out of Xiao Zhan’s mouth like a prayer, repetitive, delirious, and yet seeming to be directed to a specific person. Xuan Lu hears glimpses of what he’s saying.

_“Yibo wanted to fly, he wanted to fly… Yibo wanted to die…”_

Xuan Lu gasps, which startles Xiao Zhan. He looks up, and Xuan Lu sees the steady stream of tears falling from his eyes. Quickly, she puts down her bag on the chair next to him and grabs his shoulders.

“Xiao Zhan!” shouts Xuan Lu as she tries to shake him out of this strange trance. However, Xiao Zhan doesn’t budge. His eyes latch on to something in front of him and repeat the same words. Xuan Lu tries and tries again, panic rising in her throat. Xiao Zhan isn’t like _this_. Xiao Zhan is her responsible, art-loving best friend whose heart had always been too soft for the pressure his parents gave him. Xiao Zhan is that driven man who convinced her in one of their drunken Fridays to become his personal secretary. Xiao Zhan is not this person in front of her, incoherent and demented, so vulnerable in her arms. 

All the worries she has been bottling up ever since Xiao Zhan got into the accident come bursting out. When she found out Xiao Zhan had amnesia, she held so much hope that everything would go back to normal again, that the amnesia was temporary and she’ll get her best friend back. However, seeing him now, broken beyond repair, her heart breaks. She wishes to fight whatever it was that made him like this. She wants to protect him. But, how can she do so when she doesn’t even know why her best friend turned out like this?

Xuan Lu weeps.

She weeps for the man her best friend had been, weeps for the man in front of her now. Any hopes she had are now gone, just like who Xiao Zhan used to be. She wraps the husk of her best friend in her arms and weeps.

“Xiao Zhan,” she says in between her sobs. “What happened to you?”

Xiao Zhan turns to stare at her. Shaking hands reach out to cradle her face in his hands. With a voice worn down by his crying, Xiao Zhan rasps. “I watched him _fly._ ”

* * *

Yubin rushes to the hospital with Xuan Lu the next day, panic thrumming in their veins. They had just gotten a call earlier that Xiao Zhan was missing from his room. Security hasn’t seen him leave the premises at all, so everyone is searching for him inside the hospital.

“Yubin, I can’t do this,” Xuan Lu whispers to Yubin as they follow a herd of security personnel search through the second floor. “I don’t know what we’ll find when we see him.”

“Shh, it’s okay, Lulu,” Yubin pulls her close by the shoulders and pats her arm. “We’ll find him, and he’ll be safe.” He scans the rooms they search in with his eyes before going back to a shaken Xuan Lu. “You visited him yesterday, right? Did he say anything?”

“He… He was so broken yesterday, Yubin. I didn’t even know who he was,” Xuan Lu clenches and unclenches her fist in an attempt to control her shaking. “H-He kept saying he watched Wang Yibo fly.”

“ _Fly_?” 

“He said Wang Yibo wanted to die.” Xuan Lu’s eyes widened. “Does that mean…?”

It clicks for Yubin at the same time. “The roof!” He grabs the nearest nurse and asks frantically. “Do you know how to get to the rooftop?!”

Frightened, the nurse cowers and tries to pull away from Yubin gently. “The rooftop is on the fourth floor,” she says. “B-but, there’s a metal ladder by the second floor emergency exits that can get you there quicker.”

“There was a shortcut…?” Yubin hears the other personnel around them whisper. But, his mind tunnels to one thought.

“He’s on the roof!” Yubin shouts as he runs to the end of the hallway, where the emergency exits are. The search group splits into two, one heading towards the emergency exit and the other using the elevators to get to the fourth floor. Xuan Lu goes with the other group to keep safe.

Yubin opens the emergency exits and runs up the stairs. There, he sees a window that shows the metal ladder the nurse was talking about right outside. He slides the window upward.

“Sir, be careful,” One of the guards whispers behind him. “We’ll support you." Yubin nods. He props himself up and puts one leg outside. The metal ladder is supported by a stainless steel platform with low metal railings stuck just below the window. Yubin steps on that platform with care until he is finally able to get off the window sill. He reaches upward and tugs on the metal ladder to extend it. Then, he starts climbing up.

The climb is a steep one, and although there are safety railings beside the right side of the ladder, it is still daunting to look down from Yubin’s position. Despite his phobia gnawing at his consciousness, Yubin trudges on. He has to do this for Xiao Zhan. After about 35 steps, Yubin sees the rooftop. He hastens his pace and gets over the low parapet. 

Finding Xiao Zhan on the rooftop is easy; he sits on the parapet at the opposite edge of the rooftop. He talks to no one in particular, looking lost and empty. Yubin calls out to him. “Xiao Zhan!”

Xiao Zhan flinches and follows the direction of Yubin’s voice. “Yubin.” A tone of finality, of defeat. Yubin’s mind is on alert as he struggles to close the gap between him and his friend.

“Why are you sitting there? You have a comfortable bed in your room!” Yubin tries to joke. “If you don’t like it, we can change it for you. You won’t be here for long anyway.”

Xiao Zhan nods. “You’re right, I won’t be here for long.”

Yubin freezes. 

“Yibo told me before,” he continues, now looking at the sky before him. “He wanted to fly. He wanted to feel the wind and see the sky before he plunged down. And, he did. He did fly.”

“But, you know what? Before he flew, I promised,” Xiao Zhan pushed himself up from his sitting position.

“Xiao Zhan, get off the ledge,” Yubin shouts with a firm tone.

“I promised I would fly with him.” Xiao Zhan just looks over to the countless buildings surrounding him. “I did, but I’m still here.”

“You don’t have to fly with him, Xiao Zhan!” Yubin is running now. He doesn’t know why this rooftop is so wide. All he knows is that he’s too slow, too far. He has to get to Xiao Zhan immediately. “We can find other ways! _Just get off the ledge, Xiao Zhan_!”

Xiao Zhan casts him one last glance and smiles. He shakes his head and looks forward once again. “Yubin, you don’t understand,” He lifts his right foot. “I have to _fly with him_.” Xiao Zhan leaps to the sky.

Yubin watches his friend fall from the parapet. 

_“Xiao Zhan!”_

_“Xiao Zhan!”_

Xuan Lu reaches the rooftop at the same time Xiao Zhan falls.

“No, no, _no!_ ” Desperate, Yubin runs forward and falls to his knees in front of the parapet Xiao Zhan was standing on. He scrambles and peaks over the edge.

Yubin reaches his hand outward, but he is already too far from Xiao Zhan. His eyes follow Xiao Zhan’s already lithe body from mid-air to the ground. Xiao Zhan’s head hits the ground first, then his chest, and finally, his legs. Cracks echo through the empty parking lot below as his limbs distort at awkward angles. Blood pools underneath him quickly. 

Yubin screams.

* * *

Nothing prepares you for your friend’s funeral.

Someone they’ve expected to live as long as they do is suddenly taken away from them. The reality hits harder than it should, and leaves Xuan Lu and Yubin in pieces. 

Xiao Zhan’s funeral is a quiet affair. Only five people, Xiao Zhan’s closest employees and some college friends, stay to say their condolences and offer prayers. His family doesn’t even grace the funeral with their presence. By four in the afternoon, Xuan Lu and Yubin are the only ones left in the chapel. Xuan Lu is still crying. Yubin is still dazed.

They don’t dare look at the casket. They can’t look at their friend, not after seeing him die right in front of their eyes. Both of them wish that this is all just a terrible nightmare, and that tomorrow, Xiao Zhan will be back in the office, pouring over paperwork and sipping on shit coffee. Maybe tomorrow, it’ll be better.

“Yubin,” Xuan Lu hiccups. Yubin pats her back to soothe her. “Did you ever figure out who he was talking to all this time?” She doesn’t want to discuss whatever’s in front of them. Yubin will indulge her.

He nods at her and looks away. He scans the entire chapel. Finally, his gaze falls on the chapel doors. Inhaling sharply, he began to speak with his hoarse voice. “It’s you, isn’t it?”

  
  


**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> Who is the person behind the door? Let me know your theories in the comments.
> 
> I hope you had fun! Scream at me here or on Twitter (@sunstainedshits). See you in the next piece!


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